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Safety First
Although we may be living in the 21st century, we still share a common trait with our pre-historic cave dwelling ancestors: the need for safety. We may no longer need to hunt for our dinners or avoid carnivores interested in making us the main course of their dinner; nonetheless today we still have the need to feel secure from harm. When this need for safety is satisfied, we have the freedom to explore, learn, grow, create and express ourselves. Dodging saber-tooth tigers is not really a concern for us today, but creating an emotionally safe environment in our relationships and work can still be a challenge.
What specific steps can you take to create an environment that nurtures you and gives you the freedom to risk or make mistakes? Just as policemen wear bullet proof vests or road workers are protected by slower driving speeds in work zones, you too can take precautions that will create an environment where you feel free and are willing to step outside your comfort zone.
Establishing boundaries is one action you can take to develop safety in your life. Boundaries educate people as to how to communicate and be with you. Receiving criticism and being judged are guaranteed to shut down communication or stop someone in their tracks. If you find yourself being criticized or judged, gently inform the speaker that it is inappropriate to speak to you in this way. You may have to do this a number of times before your message becomes clear. This is one example of establishing a boundary in your life. Where else in your life might your boundaries not be supporting you?
You may find that you need to create a boundary for yourself when it comes to self-talk. How do you talk to people and animals you love? How do you speak to a child? Are you speaking to yourself with the same kindness? You may need to establish a boundary around your self-talk so that you are not experiencing self-criticism. Spend a day monitoring your self-talk and see how conducive it is to creating a sense of safety for yourself.
Discern if criticism is constructive and being given with the intention of helping. Some criticism may be uncomfortable, but it is not intended to make you feel small. Consider the source. Is the intention to genuinely help you or are you being made to feel wrong about what you are feeling and doing? If the criticism is not constructive, establish a boundary.
Develop relationships where trust and honesty are priorities. When honesty is present we know where we stand because we communicate concerns before they become problems. We express our needs clearly and we give others the opportunity to express themselves authentically. When honesty is a priority in a relationship you're free from worry because communication is not being hidden or withheld. Are you holding back in any of your personal or work relationships?
Trust grows when words and actions are consistent over time. If someone has difficulty keeping promises, their words and actions are not in sync and its difficult to develop trust for that person. If someone says they'll meet you at a specific time and they are consistently late, their words and actions aren't matching up. Trusting someone means that you are confident you can rely on this person. This confidence is a cornerstone for feeling emotionally safe.
Are you currently in any relationships where you feel like promises have been broken? What promises have been broken? Run the process backwards and discover the things that broke down the trust in the relationship. If you choose to continue the relationship, you can then rebuild it with this knowledge of what specifically caused the trust to be broken in the first place.
Set up a special place that makes you feel safe . Every department store has a changing room where you feel comfortable enough to get naked, no matter how many people are around you. Create a room like this in your life. Make it a place that you can visit every time you need grounding or to feel safe. Ideally this is an external place, like the department store changing room, but you can also create this place within you. A memory you replay, like a wonderful vacation, that helps you feel open and safe and releases any stress you may be experiencing at that moment in time.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Let go of your fear of being wrong. Understand that stumbling is acceptable and normal. Remember when you learned how to ride a bicycle? Falling off the bicycle didn't stop you. Mistakes and even bloody knees were part of the process. You gave yourself permission then to make mistakes, give yourself this gift again in other areas of your life.
Feeling safe is like being in your own house in your favorite robe or pajamas. Compare this wonderful comfortable feeling to being in someone's house where there are so many expensive knick knacks that you constantly worried that you will break one. Chances are you'll monitor your behavior the whole time you are in this situation. Creating safety in your life allows you to feel free enough to take risks without fear. Look in your life: what exactly, precisely and specifically would make you feel safe? And what actions are you willing to take make this happen?
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