The Art of Listening
The ability and need to communicate touches every area of our lives. Everything we do in life requires communication with others. Just try to not communicate at work for a day or in your business transactions and see what happens. Refuse to communicate in your personal relationships and see what kind of interesting results you'll create.
Much of communication theory focuses on how to speak to others and how to convey your message. But, communication is really a two-way process. It is an activity, not a one-time event. The listener's role is as central to the communication process as the speaker's role. Real communication and connection occur when the speaker AND listener participate in the process.
Since listening is as important as speaking in the communication process, if you wanted to improve your listening skills, where would you begin? Here are a few ideas and suggestions you can use:
- Exercise active listening skills. Try asking more questions. If you need clarification ask the speaker to say more, give an example or to explain further. Give feedback or paraphrase what you've heard: "Are you saying such and such? What I heard you say is this. Is this what you meant?" Try nodding your head to show interest. Or ask a question of interest to demonstrate that you are really listening to what is being said. Add the occasional "uh-huh". Try making eye contact with the speaker. Even though you are sitting and listening quietly, this may not be enough for the speaker to feel that s/he is truly being understood.
- Become aware of your personal filters and triggers. Each of us is a product of our upbringing, culture, life experiences and anything and everything that makes us unique as human beings. Our uniqueness can sometimes be an obstacle to being an effective listener. As you listen, try to remain open to what you are hearing and withhold evaluation or judgment. Become aware of what your triggers are in the communication process and what shuts your listening down.
- Observe your own and other people's listening habits. Ask yourself what it feels like when someone really listens to you and when they don't. Make a list of any behaviors that you find irritating in the listening habits of other people and then examine your own listening behavior. See if you just might exhibit any of the behaviors you find annoying. Create a checklist of habits you want to change. Also, acknowledge yourself for listening habits you have that do work for you. This type of thorough self-exploration is another way to learn about your filters, barriers and triggers as a listener. Once you identify and reduce what gets in the way of your ability to hear, you'll increase your effectiveness as a listener.
- Listen without formulating a response to the speaker. As listeners we think about 500 words per minute while the normal speaking rate is about 125 to 150 words per minute. That creates a lot of room for communication to break down or for your mind to wander! Try to hear everything that is being said, listen to the entire message and then respond. The temptation is to fill the extra space with your own thoughts and/or responses to what is being said, but filling this space with your own thoughts or responses will take you out of the current conversation. And, you may miss valuable information because you've moved on to a new topic - without the speaker.
- Listen with empathy. Empathy is an imaginative process. Empathy is emptying the mind and listening with the whole being. Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. True empathy is the ability to fully understand and accept another, complete with all their feelings, thoughts and opinions. It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume they want reassurance or "fix-it" advice. Learn to listen for: What's not being said? What's in the way? What's missing? What's needed right now? What's most important to the speaker?
- Become aware of the speaker's non-verbal communication. One estimate has it that 75% of all communication is non-verbal. Beyond the words is a host of clues as to what the speaker is communicating. Is the speaker's posture rigid or relaxed? Does the speaker maintain eye contact? Does the speaker's vocal tone match the words s/he is using? Are the speaker's movements tense or relaxed and are the movements congruent with the message the words are conveying? Is the verbal and non-verbal communication consistent?
- Create an environment for the listening to occur. Remove distractions. For example, if you are watching a sporting event on TV or are in the middle of a project at work, you probably don't have the time or space to be an effective listener. Or if you are feeling stressed, you just won't be available to hear what the speaker is saying. Let the speaker know now is not a good time and schedule a time when you can be fully present for the conversation in mind, body and spirit.
We all need to feel that we are being heard and understood. It is a basic human need that is as primary a need as having enough water, food or air to survive. So, try out any of these suggestions and you will experience more of a connection to those around you.
And, if all else fails just remember these words by Epictetus, an ancient Greek philosopher and you are guaranteed to improve your listening skills: "Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak."
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